[music playing]
TIM: I don't know.
It's just all she seems totalk about is this bloody dog,
you know?
It's like, oh, Colin did this.
Oh, Colin did that.
And I'm sick of it, you know?And, yeah.
I should talk to her.
But, you know, the fact is she'sbeen really happy since Colin
arrived on the scene, you know?
She'd been under a really hard time.
She'd had some articles rejected.
She split up with her boyfriend.
You know, to top all off, herhair looks stupid all the time.
And then suddenly Colin arrives on the scene
and she's writing again.
You know, she doesn't seemthat bothered about Richard.
And her hair looks good.
[laughs]
Listen, Tim.
I know how you feel about dogs.
I also know how you feel about Daisy.
Sometimes, where friends are concerned, [sighs]
sacrifices have to be made.
You're saying we kill the dog.
No.
Spoilsport.
[sighs] Count to 100.
All right.
[upbeat music]
BILBO: I used to know this guy, Minty.
He had a dog that he'd trainedto attack which rich people.
He was into the whole war thing.
He called the dog Gramsci,after an Italian Marxist.
Rumor has it he could smellwealth from up to 20 feet.
[dog barking and snarling]
Thing is, it all backfired.
Minty won $100 grand on a scratchcard.
Woo!
[dog barking and snarling]
BILBO: And Gramsci bit his knees off.
[thud]
[dog barking and snarling]
That's terrible.
Not really.
He used the money to buy new knees.
So what happened to Gramsci then?
Well, no one knows.
Although some people still believe
he roams wild on HampsteadHeath close to the meat.
[eerie music]
[door opens]
Hiya.
Ah.
BILBO: Is that it?
Well, that's not what it is.
That's what it will be.
A cold blooded killer.
It's a fact.
Sure as day follows night.
Sure as eggs is eggs.
Sure as every odd numbered"Star Trek" movie is shit.
Ob.
I was just going shopping and I wondered
if you wanted anything.
A cross-bow.
DAISY: And also if Richard calls, tell him
I'm out with Colin.
Uh huh?
Yeah.
We'll make him pay.
Won't we?
We'll make them all pay.
Who is Richard?
Ex-boyfriend.
- Your ex-boyfriend? - No.
Daisy's ex-boyfriend.
My ex-boyfriend.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What happened?
Well, you know, I mean, I was upset.
But I'm not anymore.
You know, in the end, our relationship was
just like a sandwich toaster.
You know, you just forget you've got one
and it just sits at the topof a cupboard, you know,
collecting a layer of greasy fudge.
I think if you do see it, youassume it's broken because you
think, oh, well, if it was working,
then I'd be using it all the time, surely.
You know? But you don't.
And it just sits there.
And then one day, you justget an overwhelming desire for
toasted sandwiches, you know?
And you get it down.
And it works.
And you can't believe it.You know?
And then you make everykind of sandwich there is.
You have toasted sandwich parties.
You know, you make Marmite andcheese, and chocolate, and--
- Pilchards. - --banana and--
Acorns.
And then as quickly as thedesire comes, it just goes.
And then you put thetoasted sandwich maker away
and [sighs] you know what?
What?
You don't miss it.
So what you're saying isdon't hide your toasted sandwich
maker away.
Use him regularly and you'llget the most out of him.
No.
She's saying chuck yourboyfriend, have a sandwich.
DAISY: Anyway, I've got togo because I'm meeting Twist.
[sighs] Don't you just love my hair?
[upbeat music]
[ominous music]
[upbeat music]
[sighs] How can you not like him?
He's so cute!
Oh!
[laughs]
Yeah.
Well, that's how it allstarts, with oohs and aahs.
But later, there's barking and biting.
He's a ticking time bomb of death, Daisy.
I mean, you give him all the love in the world.
You spend years of your life doting
on his little furry head.
And then one day you get back from aerobics
and there he is, panting over the half-eaten
remains of some hapless handyman you
left fixing the tumble dryer.
We don't have a tumble dryer.
You will, my friend.
You will.
Look, Tim, I know thatI've been insensitive, OK?
And I do appreciate thatyou are riddled with deep
seated psychological disorders.
Thank you.
But Colin lives here now.
And I'd just like it if we couldall live happily, you know?
I mean, your mum remarried, didn't she?
What's that got to do with anything?
Well, [sighs] you know what itfeels like to be a step-child.
To be resented by patriarch.
My step-dad was a nice guy.
[screams]
[footsteps]
Timmy boy!
All right.
I'll give it a try.
Thanks, Tim.
So, what you doing tonight?
Oh, Brian's coming up.
To see you?
Yeah.
Well, I went to a gallerywith him last week.
So he's coming up to see the "Star Wars" trilogy.
It's kind of like a sortof cultural exchange thing.
Would you mind if we sit in?
We could be like independent observers.
[sighs] No. Not at all.
[door opens]
I'll get some popcorn, and a muzzle.
[door closes]
[ominous music]
[footsteps]
[thud]
Sorry, mate. Sorry.
You idiot.
Why don't you watch where you're going?
Takes the fun out of it.
[laughs] Sorry.
I just know this street really well.
You know, I've never seen an evil, suspicious
looking man here before.
What makes you think I'mevil and suspicious looking?
All right.
I was just being friendly.
[ominous music]
It's so moving.
[sobbing]
Little Ewoks.
An entire empire brought to its knees
by small, furry creatures.
That is my point exactly.
Leave him alone.
Brian, did you notice thateverything that transpired
in those three films-- and I mean everything--
can be attributed to the actionsof one very minor character?
Who?
The gunner on the Star Destroyer
at the beginning of the first film.
How come?
Well, [laughs] because if the gunner had shot
the pod that C3P0 and R2 were in, they
wouldn't have got to Tatooine.
They wouldn't have met Luke.
Luke wouldn't have met Ben.
They wouldn't have met Han and Chewie.
They wouldn't have rescued Princess Leia.
None of it would have happened.
Chaos theory.
Eh?
The predictability of random events.
The notion that reality as we know it-- past,
present, future-- is in fact a mathematically
predictable preordained system.
So somewhere out in the vastness of the unknown
is an equation for predicting the future?
An equation so complex as to utterly
defy any possibility of comprehension
by even the most brillianthuman mind, but an equation
nonetheless.
Oh, my god.
I've got some fucking Jaffacakes in my coat pocket!
Oh, mommy!
Oh, daddy!
Let's all play kabaadi.
You get them Dais.
I made the tea.
I opened the window.
Brian, it's your turn to do something.
BRIAN: All right.
Colin needs to go out for a walk.
- I opened the window. - Well, yeah.
I made the tea.
And Brian's getting the Jaffa cakes.
Shit!
Thought it would be good for you.
Give you a chance to get to know each other.
All right. All right.
I'll do it if it'll make you happy.
Come on then, Cujo orwhatever your bloody name is.
You stay away from me, mate. [door opens]
Go on.
[muttering under breath]
[door closes]
[ominous music]
Come on.
Just do it.
What's the matter with you?
Just do your thing.
Just come on.
Do it.
Just do it.
Just go, will you?
Oh, right.
Well, hurry up.
[inhales deeply] [sighs] Come on, you bastards.
I know you're up there.
Come and get me.
Take me to your home world.
Come on, abduct me!
Shit!
Colin's been abducted.
What do you mean, he's been abducted?
Yeah.
By a crocodile or something.
A crocodile?
Or something.
[ominous music]
You let him go, didn't you?
What?
Daisy, I'm sure Tim--
No, Brian!
He's had it in for him from the start.
Daisy, look, I admit I wasn'tkeen on the idea of getting
a dog but I would never stoop so low
as to do something like that!
I think you know me well enough.
Do I?
Daisy!
I obviously don't know you as well as I though!
[thud]
[door closes]
[groans] Ow.
Ow.
Do you want a Jaffa cake?
No.
[sighs] I can't believe she'd think that.
She's upset, and in not thinking straight,
people say things they don'tmean in those situations.
You know, just lashing outat someone close to her.
Thanks, mate.
It's all right.
So what did you do with it then?
[poignant music]
Colin!
[whistles]
Colin!
[whistles]
Colin!
[poignant music]
Colin!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
[poignant music]
Colin!
Come on, you little Colin.
[poignant music]
[door opens]
[door closes]
Any luck?
No.
This came.
[ominous music]
To whom it may concern.
I'm writing to inform you ofthe whereabouts of your dog.
Colin has been taken by aman named James Eldridge.
He is a freelance vivisectionist.
I cannot return your dog personally.
But I can tell you thatthe lab site is located 11
to 13 Kettle Road N1.
Colin is being kept in Terrapin-5.
The lab has a skeleton security staff of one.
I hope this information is of use to you.
Yours in search of justice, a friend.
This came with it.
Call Twist. Get Brian.
I'll get Mike.
What are you going to do?
We're going to get our dog back.
[heroic music]
Firstly, I'd like tothank you all for coming.
Daisy and me, we--
we really appreciate it.
Now, we all know this is going to be tough.
Do you want a bourbon?
Oh, thanks very much.
But one of our number is introuble and we have to help.
Now thanks for theinformation obtained by Mike--
Hello.
--we've got a rough idea ofthe layout at the lab site.
The main gate is here.
The guard hut is here.
And Terrapin-5 where we believeColin is being held is here.
Now we're going to go over the fence here.
It's about two meters high.
So we're going to have to do a bit of climbing.
It's impossible.
It's not impossible.
I used to climb over my neighbor's fence
when I was a kid.
It was about two meters.
[laughs] Mike and Brian will handle the guard.
Why Mike and Brian?
Because you're the tallest andMike's good at handling people.
Brian's not bad athandling people, eh, Brian?
Once inside, Daisy, Twist, andmyself will locate Terrapin-5.
When we find it, Daisy and Twist will stand guard,
and I'll go in for Colin.
Why are you going in?
Because I'm the one that lost him.
Now when we get back tonight,I want you all wearing black.
All black.
I don't know much about security lighting
but I'm guessing they'll beusing 180 degree dispersing
halogens with motion sensors.
So we're going to have tostick to the shadows, people.
Any questions?
Are chocolate grey pumps OK?
Yes.
They'll be fine.
Now if we get separated, we'llmeet at the Beech Tree Inn
on Stone Street. OK?
Brian, put your hand down.
Mike, I'll see you here at 2200 hours.
Everybody else, I'll see here at 10:00.
[heroic music]
[imitating a whirring visor]
That's very--
[imitating helmet air release]
That's very good, Mike.
Ta.
[heroic music]
[inaudible] You've done really well, Twist.
It's from the DKNY open warfare range.
I bought it today.
Well, then very well done.
What's this?
It's my makeup bag.
Twist, we're going torescue a dog from an animal
testing laboratory.
I'm sure there will be loads of makeup there.
Oh, it's for luck.
Twist--
Tim!
Let her take it.
[sighs] OK.
Now when we get there it's important
while we're doing this wedon't use our real names.
From now on we'll be using code names, OK?
Mike, you're Luke.
Brian, you're Chewie.
Daisy, you're Leia.
Twist, you're Jabba.
I'm Han.
I want to be Han.
No! Sound off.
Luke? - Hello.
- Chewie? - [inaudible]
Leia?
Yes, Tim-- Han.
Jabba.
Is Jabba the princess?
- Yes. - Here.
OK.
[sighs] Let's go get Colin.
[heroic music]
Brian, come back in one piece.
Yeah.
You know what piece I mean.
[ominous music]
[playing harmonica]
OK.
This is it, people.
None of us have ever done anything like this
before, apart from Mike, who aswe all know once stole a tank
and tried to invade Paris.
Hello.
We're through the looking glass here, OK?
We've been given a responsibility.
And if we didn't do this, nobody else will.
Good luck.And I'll see you at the Beech.
Go, go, go!
[action movie music]
Woo!
[laughs]
How'd you get in?
The gate's open.
[action movie music]
[door opens]
Erm, excuse me.
Excuse me?
[humming to self]
Excuse me!
[click]
Let's play!
[action movie music]
[door opens]
All right. This is it.
Stand guard, OK?
If it gets pear-shaped, just go, all right?
Han!
Good luck. - You too, Princess.
Thanks!
[action movie music]
You must get terrible headaches looking
at the screens all day long.
Oh, it's-- it's all right, really.
I find if I, you know, keep a little
bottle of eye drops handy,it's-- it's not too bad really.
You should get one of those eye masks
with the cooling gel inside.
I find them very, very soothing.
Oh, yeah. That sounds nice.
Yeah. [action movie music]
Colin!
[dogs barking]
What if they set the dogs on us?
Don't worry, Twist.
We'll chop them, ah! Ah!
Ah!
- Shh!
Sorry.
[laughter]
Colin!
Listen, I'm risking alot being here, you know.
You're only doing itbecause you fancy Chewie.
Brian?
Yeah.
[laughs] Ew!
[making gagging noise]
[dogs barking]
[kittens mewling]
Oh.
[colin barks]
Colin!
Oh.
Now you stay back. OK?
I'm coming in.
[thud]
Italian made.
9 millimeter Parabellum.
13 in the clip, one in the spout.
[click]
Kill zone.
Feel that.
That, my friend, will mashup through the engine block
of a Fiat Uno, no problem.
How does it feel?
It's so cold.
You're always wigglingyour ass when he's around.
I do not.
You do!
I've seen you.
Yes, well, what about you and Han?
Tim?
[laughs] What about me and Tim?
TIM: Run!
[alarms blaring]
[footsteps]
Come on!
Erm, 14 across, threeletters, to walk at speed,
manage or oversee.
[alarms blaring] - Run!
[inaudible]
Bye.
[footsteps]
[gate rattling]
We are stuck.
Do something with it.
No, we're all right, officer.Yeah.
It must have been a fox or something
set off the motion sensors.
No, everything's fine.
You stay where you are.
[kittens mewling]
[gate rattling]
There you go.
This is-- erm, there's a knack to it.
It was you who sent the letter, wasn't it?
[laughs] Yeah.
Why?
Well, Eldridge left one of theporter cabins open last week.
I couldn't believe it.
All those little animals in cages.
Why, I would never have taken the job
if I knew what he was up to.
But, well, I-- I knew he'd cleanaway any evidence if I went
through the official channels.
So when Colin arrived, I saw my chance.
See, I-- I've always been abit of a yes man, you see?
Yeah.
Have you?
[laughs] Yeah.
So I thought it was time Ijust stood up and said, no.
[kittens mewling]
Aren't you worried about getting
in trouble with the police?
You know, involved in anillegal break in and everything.
I mean, [sighs] itwouldn't look very good on
your permanent record, will it?
Yeah.
Well, there's not much Ican do about it, is there?
Wait a minute, everyone.
I've got an idea!
Oh.
Voila.
Blimey!
There you go.
It wasn't your fault. We beat you up.
[laughter]
I suppose I bettercall the police then, eh?
[laughter]
Well, you lot better get off.
Right.
[footsteps]
Colin says thanks.
Thanks!
[laughs] Bye!
Bye!
[laughs]
[upbeat music]
Hey, Daisy, look at this.
Scientist James Eldridge,currently wanted
by police for his involvement inan illegal laboratory operation
is missing today.
Eldridge, whose nefariousdealings may have earned him
in excess of 250,000 pounds,was last seen on Tuesday
near Hampstead Heath.
[eerie music]
Hamstead Heath.
Close to the meat.
He roams wild on Hamstead Heath.
[dog barking]
Hello?
[dog barking]
Is anyone there?
[dog barking]
Look I can assure you thisisn't the least bit amusing.
[owl hoots]
[dog snarling] Ah!
[screams]
[upbeat music]
[SINGING] [inaudible] Honey Igot rhythm, got it, have it.
Good.
Check.